God Likes To Yell AT Me

    It is true! God does like to yell at me. I imagine it is because He knows everything there is to know about me, and realizes that I am probably one of the most hard headed people He has made. So in His love,when He wants to send me a message, He yells at me. I love that! If it wasn't for Him yelling I am certain I would miss what He has for me.
    For a long time now I have run from God and the calling He has placed on my life. Awhile back I firmly believe that God told me to carry His message to whoever He tells me to. At first I was very happy and excited about that. God would give me the courage, boldness, grace, love, patience etc. to say whatever He put on my heart to whoever came across my path. I was so happy. I was also scared. Having courage does not mean that fear is absent. Then my church gave me the opportunity to speak in front of the students. The topic was greed. I don't think I have ever been as nervous as I was the two nights I spoke. I have been to one of the toughest prisons the state of Tennessee had to offer, stayed over 4 years, and was never as nervous as I was then. Wierd huh? God got me throught that. But after that I thought to myself, "man, that is what God has called me to do but I was so scared I don't know if I want to do that anymore." So I started to let fear dictate what I did.
    Right about that time weight lifting came back into my life. I love to lift weights. I love how I look when I am hitting the gym regularly. All that is fine except I take that pleasure to the limit. I obsses about every aspect of bodybuilding. I get so immersed in this world that it becomes an idol for me. So with me running from God in fear and getting into idolatry my spiritual life was dying. My role as spiritual leader of my home was cast to the side. Also my friends in the church didn't perform to a standard that I had in my mind so I became bitter at them and at church in general. I used this bitterness as an excuse as to why I wasn't going back to that church but was in no rush to find a new church. I was not heaaring from God often and when I did His voice was far away.
    So I would think to myself, "well, have I done what God called me to do? Is it over? Will I die now?" Those were real questions I had. If God was done with me what was left? But God was not and is not done with me. My dad yelled at me. I started to see my life for what it was becoming. I started to feel remorse for my sins. I started to see people how God sees them. Everthing was changing. I love it! God was basically chewing me out. And I needed it. I thank Him that He chose a good chew out session instead of a more harsh form of chastisement. Don't get me wrong, the things He said to me and continues to say even as I write this are harsh. God does not pull any punches. He tells it like it is. And rightly so it is eternity we are talking about.
    So what now? Well I am starting over. One of the things I was fearful of in getting in front of people talking is not knowing the subject matter well enough. I did not feel prepared and felt very inadequate. But truth be told anyone who is preaching the word of God is inadequate no matter how smart or well prepared he/she might be. But the fact is I need to study more. Period. So right now I am getting into apologetics and theology as heavy as I can. I also felt inadequate because I don't, and unless a miracle happens, won't have a formal education on theology and ethics and all that goes with a bible degree or whatever. But God has given me a fairly sharp mind. So I will endeavor to learn this stuff without having a formal education and rely on the resources God has already surrounded me with. Which is alot and I believe will be more than adequate. Not to mention I have an awesome teacher...........Jesus Himself.
    I am not done with my study on psalm 15. Or will I be done posting tings of that nature when I am done. I don't really expect people to follow this blog, maybe my family will out of pity. ha ha ha. And then again I might be just talking to myself on here. I don't care. For a long time Jesus has told me to do something like this so I am just following a command. Doesn't really matter what happens with this thing as long as I am obedient. So I might be the biggest fan of this blog which is cool so have a good one, UNCHAINEDme.

Rejourney(hey, thats not a word)

Running from God. That in itself is a contradiction isn't it? But it can be done. I have done it. I sit back and think about life just two short years ago. I was on fire for God. I was a pastor in training I guess you could call it. Then certain things rose up inside of me. Fear, idolatry, lust, greed and the list goes on. I got the idea that there was no way my faith could be shaken or my walk with God was under any kind of threat. I quit relying on God. I started to try to do it on my own. Boy was I wrong. Without God there is no way you can have a relationship with Him. So I let those temptations and distractions run wild. I started living my way. Even to the point when I heard "pray about it" or God this or that I would cringe. I was also hurt by my church family because they didn'tlive up to an expectation I had in my own head. So I became bitter, and let that bitterness fester. All this time I was miserable because I missed God so much. Coming back was a hard pill to swallow because now all my friends, co-workers, and some family thought that God was just another whim for me. I used to think before about me backsliding and say man if that happened I would do some serious damage to the faith. I would say to myself no worries that will never happen anyway. Now I will probably never know the full damage I caused till I get to the judgment seat. I also thought that God would take the calling He placed on my life away since I am unfaithful, uneducated, and lazy. But guess what....God is faithful. He has never let go of me still. He has not taken the calling off my life. He is changing my laziness and I believe that He will help me to get more educated in His word. God has grabbed hold of my heart even with my back turned to Him and said no! You are too special to me and I love you too much. Get back here. Praise Jesus! Life is awesome again. My desire to seek Him out and know Him is back. My love for people is back. My desire to spread His word is back. I am still scared to death. lol. But its all good. I like what a guy I know says "Love God, and love people". That's what its about. I am embarking on a four year systematic study of God's word. I know... four years is a long time. But what else do i have to do? anyway Ifigure I will be writing my observationsand things I am learning on here. Hope you like it. Maybe we all will learn stuff:)